Stupid, stupid, stupid!
by Witch Lisa
Summary: COMPLETE! Severus has a one-night-stand from hell. Can Hermione help him deal with the consequences?
1. Part 1

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!"  
  
Severus Snape was sitting in his classroom, muttering to himself madly and punctuating each word with a sharp thwack as he banged his head on the desktop in the early morning light.  
  
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!"  
  
Bang, bang, bang.  
  
A head poked into the classroom fireplace.  
  
"Something troubling you, Severus?"  
  
Snape just groaned and shook his head, rocking his forehead back and forth on the smooth surface of his desk so vigorously that his long, raven hair danced. 'Dumbledore,' he thought dejectedly. 'I may have to kill that man some day.'  
  
"I take it, then, that your night out with the lads in Diagon Alley did not go well?"  
  
Bang, bang, bang.  
  
Snape stopped, leaned his throbbing head to one side, and peeked at the Headmaster with one bloodshot eye. He sighed and decided to humor the wizard.  
  
"I suppose that it depends on your definition of 'going well,'" he said carefully.  
  
Dumbledore chuckled and walked to Snape's storage closet, grabbed a vial of Hangover Relief potion and set it on the desk in front of his employee's head. Without moving, Snape snatched the vial and clumsily drank it sideways. A small dribble of the potion puddled on the desk under his chin.  
  
"Thank you, Headmaster."  
  
"You're welcome, Severus. You know that many single men would believe a night out had 'gone well' if they got laid," Dumbledore said, contemplatively sucking on a lemon drop. "At least, that's what I hear from some of my former students when they invite me along for male bonding nights out."  
  
Snape didn't reply - except for a small sigh.  
  
"And since Remus and Hagrid both came home around midnight and you didn't make it in until about an hour ago -"  
  
"All right, old man, my night out 'went well.' Are you happy?"  
  
Dumbledore peered at Snape over his glasses.  
  
"Perhaps. But you don't seem to be."  
  
"I made a mistake, Headmaster. A big one." Snape sighed again, loudly this time, and finally sat up.  
  
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"You did WHAT?" screeched Hermione Granger scarcely an hour later. "Severus Snape, of all the stupid, idiotic, moronic, brainless, foolish, dimwitted, stupid -"  
  
"Hermione, you already said stup -"  
  
" - senseless stunts! I cannot believe that I have been helping you all these months, years, dealing with these crazy women and then you go out and shag one of them! There's a reason they are called 'stalkers,' Severus! Do you want your reputation to be destroyed so soon after it was repaired by your role in the war with Voldemort? You just got your life back and can relax - and you go have sex with one of those women?"  
  
She began to pace around Snape's living quarters angrily as she continued her tirade.  
  
"What, did she happen to be the one who sent you the prettiest pair of knickers by owl? Or did she send you the sexiest naked photo of herself? Good Merlin, man! Are you completely brainless?"  
  
Snape finally had heard enough and he snapped from friend-mode back into snarky-bastard mode.  
  
"No, I just happened to be thinking with a 'different brain' last night, MISS Granger, as I'm sure you will soon remind me," he hissed. "And after all I've been through over the past few years, I thought I deserved a little fun. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I've had sex? Do you? It was in COLLEGE, Hermione. Some of my third year students have seen more action this year than I have!"  
  
"And that's my fault how?!?"  
  
"It's not. Just - just -"  
  
"Just? Just?"  
  
"Just help me, Hermione."  
  
She glared at him and sat in his favorite chair, obviously waiting for a further explanation. He sighed again and mused silently that he seemed to be doing that a lot today.  
  
"I picked her up at a pub in Diagon Alley. She gave me a phony name at first, I didn't *know* she was one of those women who have been writing to me. *You're* the one that's been dealing with these letters anyway, Hermione, I haven't seen many of the photos or knickers - and shit, you're right. I'm just a stupid man and I think with my prick. Or at least I did last night. I'm stupid, stupid, stupid."  
  
"All right, all right." Now it was Hermione's turn to sigh. "Exactly whom did you shag?"  
  
"I do love how you can use such proper English in the same sentence as the word, 'shag,'" he teased, half-heartedly.  
  
"You're stalling, Snape."  
  
"Jane."  
  
"Jane - Jane Hansel?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh dear."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"And you didn't know it was her?"  
  
"NO! She told me her name was Charlotte Bronty or something like that."  
  
"Charlotte Bronte, Severus, it's the name of a Muggle author who wrote the novel, 'Jane Eyre,'" said Hermione, exasperated. "Merlin, man, she gave you a clue and you didn't even get it."  
  
"I'm a pureblood wizard, Hermione. The only exposure I've gotten to Muggle literature in my life has been through you," he said, glaring at her slightly and desperately wishing he could go bang his head on another table for an hour or two. "After - well, AFTER, that was when she told me who she was and asked me if my 'little secretary' had even shown me her letters. I didn't know what to do, so I ignored the question, offered to go buy some breakfast pastries for us, got dressed and apparated back to Scotland as quickly as I could."  
  
Hermione glared at him and sighed again, wondering how she had ever become friends with such a clueless wizard.  
  
"Okay, you go - shower or something and scrub some parts until they fall off - I'll see what kind of damage control I can do."  
  
"Thank you, Hermione."  
  
"You owe me. Big."  
  
"I know. I know."  
  
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"Of all the stupid, idiotic wankers in the wizarding world, *I* have to wind up friends with the biggest," groused the young Muggle Studies teacher, as she exited the dungeons and walked to her rooms. "Bloody stupid wanker. And I have to clean up his post-coital mess!"  
  
Hermione removed the wards on her room, stalked inside and immediately opened up a trunk in the corner. It was filled with some of Severus' fan mail. Since Snape's active role in the defeat of Voldemort, the long- overdue publication of his first book on potions and some free time to spend on things like hygiene, he had become the most eligible bachelor in the wizarding world. Except for Harry Potter, that is - but then, some women do have a highly evolved appreciation for 'bad boys.' Hermione certainly did.  
  
Hermione smiled as she remembered Snape's reaction at the Head Table about a week after Voldemort's fall - when he was hit with a hailstorm of owls bringing pink and lavender scrolls, scented envelopes, lacey underthings and a few Muggle-style sex toys that had the women at the table (and a few older students) tittering behind their napkins.  
  
Snape had turned desperate eyes to the masses and his gaze landed on seventh-year student, Hermione Granger. She was sitting at the end of the Gryffindor Table, not bothering to disguise her giggles. He glared dangerously at her as he picked through the frilly, perfumed rubble on the table and attempted to find his plate. A particularly scary black leather thong fell from the pile as he began to eat and the Dream Team, who had a clear view of the piece of clothing, could hold it in no longer. The muffled giggles turned to full-blown laughter and the rest of the occupants of the Great Hall soon followed suit.  
  
Except for Snape, that is. He sat in embarrassed horror staring at an enchanted phallus that had somehow begun vibrating loudly in response to all the noise. He shot another desperate glance at Hermione, who stood and gestured to Harry and Ron. The trio quickly transfigured their napkins into large cloth bags and scurried to the Head Table. Soon, the booty was stashed out of sight and the Hall returned to normal. The next morning, Hermione made a point to get to the Hall before anyone else so she could leave storage bags on the professor's seat. It became a morning habit of hers and one for which Snape was eternally grateful. He simply had no idea how to deal with his many admirers and their mail.  
  
A few weeks later, when Hermione was packing up her things in the Head Girl's room after her final Leaving Feast, a knock on the door had startled her. She was even more startled to discover Severus Snape standing outside when she answered. He had a giant bag levitating next to him and he haltingly asked if he could hire her to 'process' all of his fan mail while she was in college. He smirked when he had told her 'no signed photos, I'm not bloody Lockhart,' but he had decided it was simply too rude not to respond at all. Thus began Hermione's college job of writing short thank you letters 'for and on behalf of, Severus Snape.' His fan mail and the resulting pay had allowed her to build up quite a collection of books during her two years of higher education. Snape would only smirk at her stuffed bookshelves in her dorm room each week as he dropped off her new round of mail and her pay. Occasionally, her 'boss' would pop in around lunchtime and they would spend a companionable meal at a nearby deli laughing over the sillier letters and discussing Hermione's double major of potions and Muggle studies.  
  
'Fan mail,' Hermione now chuckled to herself for the thousandth time. 'Severus Snape, snarky potions master, gets fan mail. Merlin, I remember a time that I would have given a limb to send him a Howler or two.' She picked up a small cardboard box labeled Jane Hansel and opened it, shaking her head.  
  
Jane was one of the few women that had continued writing to Snape, now nearly two years since he was hit by the first deluge of notes and knickers. Jane was missing a few pieces from her Wizards Chess set, so to speak. She had become fixated on Snape and sent weekly letters - frequently accompanied by lingerie for her, boxers for him, nude portraits of herself and 'sex accessories' -- as Snape and Hermione had come to laughingly call the bawdy toys, creams and oils that she occasionally sent. It had been a source of laughter for them until about three months ago.  
  
Apparently disturbed when she received yet another cold, brief letter of thanks 'for and on behalf of Severus Snape,' Jane had begun writing rather dark and seething letters. She had decided, she said, that she would have Snape one way or another - and he had nothing to say about it. Hermione had warned him briefly one morning, and had made copies of many of Jane's letters to give to Harry, who was now working as an Auror. Harry had a talk with Jane and came back with the report that she was lonely, her family had mostly been killed during the war with Voldemort and she was forced to work in Muggle London, as she couldn't find a job in the wizarding world. On the whole, she was a frustrated and rather broken woman who wanted a husband and family - and had fixed her hopes on Snape.  
  
After the meeting with Harry, Snape and Hermione felt a bit better. Hermione continued to respond to Jane's weekly letters as briefly as she had before. One day, a rather more violent letter had appeared, and Hermione decided to play detective a bit and wrote Jane back under the name of "Louisa."  
  
'I heard from a mutual friend that you are in love with Severus,' she wrote while attempting to disguise her handwriting, 'I know how you feel, he won't give me a second glance either. I might as well be a hag!'  
  
"Louisa" and Jane had become regular pen pals over the past month. Jane shared her wildly fluctuation opinions on the wizarding world and her desires for a relationship with Snape. She wrote endless essays on what their life would be like and discussed in-depth his physique - something that made the 'Snape's friend' side of Hermione cringe. If "Louisa" didn't share Jane's enthusiasm for Snape's penis or harbor the same desire to bear his children - well, Jane never noticed.  
  
Now, as Hermione sat down at her desk, she had to somehow weasel out of Jane the previous night's events and find out exactly what Jane had planned for the Potions Master in the future. Before she could pull out her quill, however, an owl tapped on her window. Jane's owl.  
  
'Brilliant,' thought Hermione.  
  
"Dearest Louisa," the letter began. "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I'm afraid I must end our correspondence. You see, I don't see how I can be friends with a woman who is in love with my husband. Severus and I finally worked everything out last night. I am so happy! I need to begin going through my things to see what I need to take with me to Hogwarts, so I should be going. I *am* sorry that you will be saddened by this news, but I am sure you will find the right man yourself, someday soon. Love, Jane."  
  
Hermione set the letter down with a groan and went to the fireplace. She tossed in some Floo powder and called out "Severus Snape." When Snape's head appeared in the flames, she flopped down in her armchair and shook her head.  
  
"You so fucking screwed up, Snape."  
  
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"Dear Jane," wrote Hermione one week after *the night,* "you jammy cow you! You're DATING Snape! I can't believe it. And here I didn't even know that you actually knew him, I thought you were like me and just admiring him from afar. When is your next date? Has he owled you yet? Write me back and tell me everything! Your friend, Louisa"  
  
She tied the scroll to her owl's leg and left her rooms for dinner in the Great Hall. She felt a bit guilty lying to the woman that had become the bane of Snape's existence, but then again, there was *something* about Jane that just didn't seem right. She couldn't put her finger on it, but at least by writing with the 'fan' she felt like she was keeping an eye on things. She arrived at the Head Table and smiled at her companions before patting Severus on the shoulder and taking her customary seat. Sitting next to Snape for dinner was becoming more and more difficult. She couldn't fathom why his one-night stand bothered her so much, well, aside from the stupidity of it. It wasn't as if she fancied him or anything. They were simply coworkers and friends. Good friends, and she wouldn't want to change anything. It was all becoming too complicated, too much. She frowned at her pudding and then turned to frown at a squirming Snape, who seemed to be having a hard time concentrating on his Yorkshire pudding.  
  
"What is the matter with you?" she whispered.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Severus, I think I know you better than anyone aside from the Headmaster, I know something's wrong," she said. "It isn't your Mark is it? I thought it went away with Voldemort."  
  
"No, it's not that. Just leave me alone," he hissed.  
  
"Severus?" she said, softly, as she placed a hand on his arm. "Please, are you sick? Did you get a bad letter from Jane? What is it?"  
  
He scowled and squirmed and squirmed and scowled for a few more moments before finally whispering one quivering word.  
  
"Itches."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It itches."  
  
"What itches? Your Mark?"  
  
He finally raised his eyes from his plate to look her in the eye. "No," he said firmly. "Not my Mark."  
  
"Your - ooooh!" she said, cottoning on.  
  
"Yes." The eyes darted back to the plate.  
  
"You are such a dumbass, Severus," she muttered under her breath, shaking her head. "Let's go to the Hospital Wing while Poppy is eating and see what I can do. I take it you didn't use a Muggle or wizarding condom when you were with Jane?"  
  
"No," came the barely whispered reply. "I - I didn't think -"  
  
"I think we've established that fact already, Severus. Well, let's find out what little present she left you. I hope it was something we have a potion for. You should have been more careful." Hermione said, standing. "C'mon, get up, let's go and have a look at it."  
  
"No!" he hissed. "I don't want you to -"  
  
"You'd rather have Poppy look at it and then leak the information to the entire staff?"  
  
He looked at her dazedly for a moment before putting down his fork and taking her outstretched hand. They pair left the Great Hall by the side door, hand-in-hand, too wrapped up in their immediate 'concern' to notice the roar of whispers making it's way through the four House tables.  
  
"Snape and Granger," muttered a Weasley cousin at the Gryffindor table, "who knew?"  
  
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"Dear Jane," wrote Hermione two weeks after *the night,* "you lucky cow you! I still can't believe that you are going to marry Severus Snape! Congratulations! When is the wedding!? Do you have your dress yet? You said in your last letter you were going looking for a wedding gown and robes. Fill me in! Your friend, Louisa"  
  
Hermione tied the scroll to her owl's leg and let it fly out the window before turning to face a rapidly-deteriorating, drunken Snape. It had been two weeks since the one-night-stand-from-hell and Snape was past the annoyed stage and coming dangerously close to the need-to-duel-someone stage. Hermione's nerves weren't much better. But, at least the itching had gone away, she mused with a small smile.  
  
It had been fairly quiet, Hermione and Jane had exchanged a couple of giggly letters about her upcoming 'wedding.' Jane had written two rather drooly letters to Snape, fairly graphic ones about their night together, that made Snape's skin crawl and Hermione blush furiously. But since Jane hadn't attempted to contact Snape by any other method than owl post, the two teachers had begun to relax.  
  
Then Jane showed up. She came quietly without notifying Snape or "Louisa" of her intentions. She didn't say anything. She didn't do anything. She simply apparated to the gates of Hogwarts and stood. Stood quietly peering through the warded gates, staring at the castle. Hermione noticed her first, that Sunday morning, as she walked to Hagrid's hut for brunch. She was completely still and focused on the dungeon windows of the castle. It was - eerie. Hermione had scuttled back into the castle to tell Snape and they contacted Harry together via Floo. The kind-hearted Auror had come to the castle gates and gently led Jane away. Snape declined the opportunity to press charges against her, asking Harry to instead plead with her to leave him alone -- for her own good.  
  
She showed up again the next Sunday. Harry had taken her to the Ministry to 'cool off' for a few hours this time, so the couple had hope that the ordeal would soon be over. Perhaps it would be limited to owl post craziness now and things would eventually settle down. Hermione, however, hated to see Snape on edge again, and she sprouted horns on a regular basis and enjoyed a bit of Snape-baiting regarding his upcoming nuptials.  
  
"So, Snape, when *is* the wedding? I definitely want to buy the happy couple something nice for your new home. Oh, wait, your fiancé seems to think she's moving here, to Hogwarts, so I guess you don't really need any kitchen or cleaning supplies -"  
  
"Shut up, Hermione."  
  
"You brought this on yourself."  
  
"Yeah, well, I don't see many nice, intelligent women flocking to date me. I just have a few weirdos that are fixated on me. It's not my idea of a quality relationship, you know," he sneered at her over another glass of brandy. "Besides, it's not like you're interested."  
  
"Who said I wasn't, Severus?" she said, a bit too flippantly. "I enjoy your company, we work well together - hell, I've even seen you naked."  
  
She grinned at him and received a trademark scowl for her efforts.  
  
"BEFORE the itching incident, I mean," she said. "That wasn't exactly a fun evening."  
  
"Well, BEFORE was the result of a potion gone badly, Miss Granger," he said, trying not to smile into his glass at the memory. "I was thrilled that you had the presence of mind to derobe me before the potion reacted with the wool of my clothing, however, I didn't know you were actually -- looking."  
  
"Well, it was hard to miss - both times," she choked out, giggling. He scowled and swished the length of his robes into his lap.  
  
"I fail to see why any of this is funny, in this situation," he replied. "I swear you are hopeless, Hermione. I'm probably going to look in the Daily Prophet tomorrow and find out I'm engaged."  
  
"I already took care of it," she said, conjuring a plate of sandwiches. "Colin Creevy works there and he said he will not let them publish any engagement announcement without confirming with you first."  
  
"Well that's a relief, at least," Snape said, around a mouthful of ham and bread. He looked up, then, as an owl scritched on the window above Hermione's bed. He kicked off his shoes and clamored onto the burgundy coverlet to open the window. The bird flew to Hermione, landed and held out a scroll.  
  
"That was fast," Snape said nervously, watching Hermione read. "Maybe she's decided she hates me."  
  
"Um, not quite."  
  
Hermione sat quietly for a moment as Snape watched her.  
  
"What? What is it Hermione? Please tell me she hasn't done anything foolish."  
  
"Did you use *any* birth control that night, Severus?"  
  
"Uh, no, she said that she used the potion once a month."  
  
"I see."  
  
"Hermione? What - oh, no."  
  
"She seems to think so."  
  
"Fuck."  
  
"You already did that, dear heart. That's how you got in this situation."  
  
"I need another drink."  
  
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"Hermione?" Snape called through the near solid fog that was his brain. He struggled awake and looked around, still feeling a bit drunk and bewildered as to why he was in Hermione's rooms in the morning.  
  
Better yet, his mind asked, why are you in your best friend's bed? Seeing the curly mass of brown hair on the pillow next to him, he quickly made the decision to curl up close, and slipped an arm and leg around her sleeping form.  
  
"Well, at least something went right last night," he murmured, trying to remember what happened after Jane's letter had arrived.  
  
"If you call passing out on my carpet 'right,' Severus," Hermione mumbled drowsily. "You'd think a former Death Eater could hold his alcohol better. Go back to sleep."  
  
"Okay. I love you, Hermione," he said, dropping a sloppy kiss on her ear.  
  
"Yep. Sure, Severus," was the reply. "Go to sleep."  
  
She was answered a few moments later by a soft snore. 'Men!' she grumbled, before going back to sleep herself.  
  
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TBC  
  
A/N: I was at an impasse with "Chaucer's Potions" and a plot bunny based on an article I'm writing for the real-world publishing job (about cyber and celebrity stalkers, more info in my final author notes!) bit me. So I had to write this. It's meant to be funny and angsty, but most of the situations are fairly real. "Jane" is a combination of stalkers' behavior from my research for the RW piece. I guess I needed to try to put some levity in the middle of all this scary research and information. 


	2. Part 2

"Dear Jane," wrote Hermione a month after *the night.* "How are you feeling? Did you ever tell Severus about the baby? How are things going? I haven't heard from you lately. Are you swamped with wedding plans? Love, Louisa"  
  
It had been nearly two weeks since Jane had sent Hermione the letter claiming that she was pregnant with Snape's baby, but she had yet to "inform" the alleged father. Two weeks in which the pair hadn't heard a single peep from the stalker. Two weeks in which Snape's legendary foul temper soared to new heights. Two weeks in which Hermione's sweet temper in class fell to new lows and two weeks in which the pair of friends barely spoke.  
  
Hermione had woken up the morning after Jane's revelation to find herself held tightly under the covers by her best friend, Severus Snape. A few groggy moments later and it all came back to her - his depressed reaction to Jane's announcement, the drinking, how he had passed out and how he had later held her and told her he loved her. She sighed and snuggled back against him. 'I might as well enjoy it now,' she thought, 'he'll regret it by the time he wakes up.'  
  
And sure enough, he had. He had nuzzled her neck and dropped a few kisses on her throat and ear as he drowsily fought his way to alertness. Then sat up with a start, realizing what - and with whom - he was doing.  
  
"Gods, Hermione!" he squeaked. He cleared his throat and scrambled out of bed. "What you must be thinking - I'm so sorry. Here I am asking you to help me deal with the ramifications of my last indiscretion and I make a pass at you."  
  
He ran his hand through his mussed hair. "I'm so sorry."  
  
"Severus, it's fine, really," said Hermione. "If I had problems with it, I would have smacked you out of bed. I'm not complaining."  
  
He stopped putting on his shirt and coat and turned to stare at her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm not complaining, I'm attracted to you, Severus. There, I said it. Feel better? I do."  
  
"I - I'm not sure."  
  
"Severus -"  
  
"No, I mean, I'm flattered, Hermione. And I won't lie to you, I've been attracted to you since your seventh year," he said, nervously buttoning his shirt wrong. "But, we can't -- I mean, I'm too old for you and then there's this whole Jane situation and - you, you could do so much better than someone like me, Hermione. I mean, you're beautiful and young and so intelligent. Not to mention a good cook and - and - you're great with the children. You're going to be a wonderful mother someday. You just don't need to deal with the ramifications of my mistake with Jane. You - well, you should have your own baby someday with a nice husband and --"  
  
"Enough, Severus, you're rambling. It's fine. I see." She slipped from the bed and walked to the bathroom door. "Well, I'll talk to you at breakfast, then."  
  
"Hermione -"  
  
"Bye, Severus."  
  
+++  
  
"Dearest Severus," wrote Jane, finally, a month and a day after the incident. "I haven't heard from you or your assistant in so long. I have good news for us, darling. I need to meet you for lunch today. How about Sibola in Hogsmeade? I just love their salads! I'll see you at noon, my love! Love, Jane."  
  
Severus burst into Hermione's class of second years at 10 o'clock in the morning.  
  
"Professor Granger, I need to have a word with you," he said. He waved at her with the parchment letter. Hermione turned on the ice full-blast and glared at him, sending her students into a tittering heap. The students weren't blind, they had seen the pair leave the Great Hall on more than one occasion with their arms around each other's waists or holding hands. They had also become aware of the frigid chill that had developed between their professors - and their suspicions were confirmed as the tempers of the alleged lovebirds had escalated -- over the past two weeks.  
  
Severus sighed.  
  
"Please, Professor Granger."  
  
She echoed his sigh, dramatically, and followed him to the door.  
  
"Please begin reading the next chapter. We'll begin discussion on it when I return, class."  
  
They went into the corridor and shut the door.  
  
"What is it Severus?" she asked. He simply handed her the letter. She read it, eyebrows raising. "You can't go, Severus."  
  
"I have to, Hermione," he replied, stiffly. "If I'm going to be a father - despite how crazy the mother is - then I need to be responsible. I'm not the kind of man that shirks his responsibility."  
  
"I know you're not, Severus," she said, exasperated. "But, I just have a bad feeling about this. Why haven't we heard from her for almost two weeks?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Don't go alone."  
  
"Hermione -"  
  
"I'm serious, Severus -- dammit, you've been through the war, you should have the sense to know not to go into enemy territory without backup," she spat.  
  
"It's not going to be you," he spat back. "She's crazy enough without seeing me arrive with a female - she'd probably lose it. I'm not risking your safety."  
  
"Fine. Take Harry. Deal?"  
  
"Deal."  
  
"I need to get back to class now," she said. "Good luck. Tell me how it goes as soon as you get back."  
  
He nodded and they stood looking at each other awkwardly for a moment.  
  
"I miss you, Hermione," he began, reaching down to take her hand. She brushed him away.  
  
"No, not now," she hissed. "You're going to go meet with the woman who is most likely having your baby. I can barely stand that fact - don't you DARE make it worse, Severus Snape!"  
  
"I'm sorry," he said. "Again. You're not - are you still - will we still be friends after all of this? You were the first true friend besides Albus that I had since college, Hermione."  
  
"You will always have my friendship," she said, frustrated. "You know that, you dumbass."  
  
He chuckled and leaned in to give her a swift hug.  
  
"I'll go Floo Harry right now," he said, before stalking off down the hall. She shook her head at his retreating, billowing robes and reentered her classroom.  
  
+++  
  
"Dear Louisa," wrote Jane, "I am so sorry I haven't written to you lately. I discovered that I was not expecting a baby and I was simply devastated. However, I picked up a Muggle ovulation predictor this past weekend and did some testing. I am ovulating today, and Severus and I are going to try again. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life. I need to go meet him now. Love, Jane."  
  
Hermione sat staring at the letter. She had found it at half past twelve when she returned to her office. It had been sitting on her desk and Jane's owl had been playing happily with Hermione's cat in front of the fireplace. Now that she had read it's brief contents, she was at a loss for what to do - on one hand, she was sure Severus was smart enough to not fall into bed with his stalker yet again; on the other hand, she was concerned that a potion or well-concealed charm might hit the unsuspecting man and force the situation.  
  
'He is a grown man,' she thought, pacing across the floor.  
  
'Then again, he expects bad news, not a seduction, he wouldn't be looking for a love or lust potion,' she told herself, pacing again.  
  
'Hell with it, I'm going,' she decided. She stalked to her desk and pulled a paper clip from her drawer, a quick swish and flick, and she was grabbing the object off the surface with a satisfied grin. She quickly walked to her office balcony, grabbed the old Firebolt Harry had given her from its corner, and took off towards Hogsmeade and Severus.  
  
+++  
  
She landed a block away from the restaurant and banished the Firebolt back to her balcony. Straightening her appearance and sliding the mutated paper clip onto her ring finger, she took a deep breath and approached the couple, who were sitting on the patio.  
  
"Severus Snape!" she called, waving her hand. "There you are!"  
  
Snape looked up at Hermione in shock.  
  
"Hermione! What are you doing here?" he sputtered, looking warily between the two women. Jane's eyes narrowed and her gaze immediately focused on Hermione's left hand - where a very showy diamond and emerald ring was flashing in the spring sunlight. Hermione followed her gaze and smirked. She hadn't been a whiz at transfiguration for nothing, after all.  
  
"Who is this, Severus?" Jane asked, an angry edge to her voice.  
  
Harry stepped out of the shadows where he had been nursing a glass of Muggle soda and stealthily withdrew his wand. Severus sighed and rubbed his temples for a moment, swearing softly to himself.  
  
"Jane Hansel, this is Hermione Granger," he said, gesturing helplessly at Hermione and sending her a look that clearly said 'this better be good.'  
  
Hermione held out her hand to shake Jane's and smiled. "I'm Severus' fiancé," she said.  
  
Severus froze as the words left Hermione's lips. She only smiled at him and sunk into a chair next to him, sliding her hand up his thigh possessively. He gasped and shot her a shocked look.  
  
"And he's late, we were supposed to meet half an hour ago to look at wedding bands," gushed Hermione. "Lunch run late, Severus?"  
  
He shot her another confused and shocked look before carefully answering. She smiled reassuringly and squeezed his upper thigh, making him jump.  
  
"Hermione, I've told you about Jane," he said slowly. "Well, it would appear that she is expecting a baby."  
  
"That is WE're expecting a baby," said Jane, eyes sparkling at Severus. "We were just deciding what we should do next - what was best for our child. Weren't we, Severus? So sorry, Hermione, but I think we should continue this conversation alone. Just the parents. In fact, I was just about to ask Severus to join me at my apartment so we could continue the discussion in private. I'm sure you understand."  
  
The trio sat silently for a moment, exchanging wary looks, before Hermione reached into her pocket and pulled out the parchment Jane had penned her latest letter to "Louisa" upon. She handed it to Severus without comment and patted his leg comfortingly. He read it, his eyes first widening in disbelief then narrowing in anger. 'Good,' thought Hermione, 'get good and mad and give her some of that Professor Snape bat venom.'  
  
"Miss Hansel," said Severus, as calmly as possible. He handed her the letter and lazily looped an arm around Hermione's shoulders, causing Jane to pout. "Would you please read this and then I would appreciate an explanation."  
  
Jane snatched the letter and immediately began to stammer and stutter.  
  
"Why this is a fake!" she exclaimed. "I would never write this, Severus, why would I write this? I'm already pregnant!"  
  
"Are you?" drawled Snape. Jane nodded a bit too enthusiastically and he drew his wand, casting a quick spell her way. "Hmmm, either I've lost my touch with the In Vitrio charm, or you are not pregnant, my dear."  
  
"You must have cast it incorrectly," she protested.  
  
"I work as a potions teacher with teenaged girls, Jane," Snape sneered. "I can assure you that I know the charm well, I have to cast it frequently and covertly over entire classes before we attempt the brewing of hazardous potions. You are not pregnant. Futhermore, you are becoming a nuisance to myself and my fiancé. You will leave us alone in the future, Jane, I want no more of these games of yours. I am finished being sorry for you and putting up with your antics."  
  
"What?!" Jane said. She stood and pulled her wand from her sleeve, pointing it at Hermione and saying "Cruci-" Suddenly, Jane froze and clattered to her seat. Snape leaned over and plucked her wand from her clenched fist.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Potter," he said before turning his attention back to Jane. "Now, Jane, you will be escorted back to London by Mr. Potter. He will be taking you to the Ministry."  
  
"Please, Severus, don't press charges against me," she said, through clenched teeth and lips. "Please. I love you!"  
  
"I do not doubt that you think you love me, Jane," said Severus, a bit less harshly. "However, you attempted to cast an Unforgivable curse on the woman *I* love, so I am not inclined to return any affection. Besides, the attempted casting of an Unforgivable carries a mandatory sentence whether I press any charges or not. You went too far this time."  
  
He stood silently looking at the crushed woman for a moment.  
  
"Get some help, Jane. There are doctors at St. Mungo's that can help you," he said. "Do you understand?"  
  
She blinked in acknowledgement and soon Harry and Jane popped out of sight. Severus turned to Hermione, who had been sitting quietly.  
  
"Cat got your tongue, Hermione?" he quipped, feeling lighthearted suddenly. "I don't think I've seen you sit that quietly since - well, ever."  
  
"It was your battle, Severus," she said softly, after swatting him on the arm. "You needed to have your say. It wasn't my place. You seemed to be doing just fine."  
  
He nodded and took her bejeweled hand in his own. He quirked an eyebrow at her.  
  
"That's some ring," he said, smiling. "I never took you for a flashy type."  
  
"I'm not," Hermione said, blushing.  
  
"I'll keep that in mind, for future reference," he said, smiling more.  
  
"I just wanted to make damn sure Jane saw it and saw it fast. It was designed to make an impact, not to showcase my taste in jewelry or engagement rings." She nervously took out her wand and the ring was swiftly turned back into a paperclip. Snape took it from her hand and pocketed it before paying the tab and offering Hermione his arm.  
  
The pair was halfway to the castle before Severus halted their progress and turned to face her.  
  
"Thank you for coming to the restaurant today," he said. "She had me convinced. And I felt so guilty about the whole one-night-stand thing and the whole potential fatherhood thing that I didn't have the sense to cast the charm to check. Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome," she said, hugging him. He held on tight for a long moment.  
  
"Hermione," he whispered into her curls. "Now that Jane is out of our lives, do you think - do you think perhaps we could do some research into this friend-attraction thing we have going on?"  
  
She pulled out of the embrace and looked at him questioningly.  
  
"Is the rash completely gone?" she asked impishly.  
  
He groaned and blushed before answering her. "Completely."  
  
"Then I think a bit of research is warranted, Professor Snape," she said. "Shall we commence when we return to the castle?"  
  
He grinned. "My lab or yours?"  
  
"Mine, definitely," she said, returning the grin.  
  
"Then lead on, dear 'fiancé,' lead on!"  
  
The pair was still laughing when they entered the castle, arm-in-arm, and headed straight for Hermione's rooms. They were seen by more than a few students, who soon spread the relieved word that the lovebirds were back together again.  
  
"Thank Merlin," said a Weasley cousin, as they passed him and his Gryffindor friends in a hallway. "I couldn't handle either of them another day in class like that. They seriously needed to get laid."  
  
Snape stopped mid-stride as he overheard the whispered comment before Hermione dragged him, laughing, into her rooms. She smirked at his angry expression and just shook her head:  
  
"Need to get laid, huh?" she laughed. "Merlin, if they only knew!"  
The End 


End file.
